The People V. O.J: I Literally Can’t Even

“I literally did not realize he was a lawyer” and “You can’t put the genie back in the bottle” were just some of the great lines from this week’s episode of American Crime Story: The People V. O.J Simpson. I honestly can’t tell if the show is getting better by the episodes or am I getting used to the amount of cheesy expositional writing that is happening right now.

Johnny Cochran

This episode was all about the dream team convincing Johnny Cochran to get on board with the O.J case. “Behind every good man is a great woman” (I’m surprised they didn’t use this line in the episode) But seriously, it only took 30 seconds for Johnny’s wife to basically convince him to take the O.J case. And then they called him up and O.J put on a great performance so obviously he couldn’t say no.

khloe2

Robert Kardashian

Let’s not forget that it is Father’s Day in our American Crime Story world. And like any other Kardashian episode (let’s be real this is basically a Kardashian spin off at this point) the gang, including Robert Jr head to the most popular joint in Beverly Hills. Dressed up in their Sunday best, Kourtney, Kim, Khloe and Rob start turning up because they just cut the line at La Scala’s and their new dad is Bruce Jenner. While dad Robert is spewing ironic Gandi-esque lines to his children, baby Khloe wonders what she’s even doing there, and if her dad might be O.J (via Robert/Bruce + Caitlin). Also, monotone Kourtney points out that O.J is her godfather. Let’s all remember that people, because that little tid bit of information is sure to be monumental later on. If that last bit wasn’t sarcastic enough for you, La Scala’s is also serving up a big plate of irony in the words of the late Robert Kardashian. Here are some of the great pieces of advice he imparts onto his children. “We are Kardashians and being a loyal friend is more important than being famous” (Um Paris Hilton would have to disagree) “Fame is fleeting, it’s hollow, it means nothing without a virtuous heart” (Robert Jr could probably agree with his father on that)

ahscrimestory_KJ

But wait, things get better in a few minutes. Also, if you’re wondering why we aren’t talking about the actual O.J case, it’s because it’s hidden under 500 layers of Kardashian dialogue. Don’t think we forgot about Kris Jenner. Girl can’t have her kids all over the episode without showing her face. And I have to say, Selma Blair, you’ve been MIA for 10 years but you came back with the best role ever. I’m still serving sarcasm here. Robert shows up in a hot pink salmon golf shirt, and his ex-wife greets him at the door. I’m sorry, does everyone in Beverly Hills/Calabasas wear a power suit with dangling pearls around the house? What am  I saying, it’s Kris Jenner slash Selma Blair, duh. Kris Jenner delivers the most ironic line of the night, telling Robert that O.J probably killed Nicole, Robert reminding Kris he’s the uncle/Godfather of monotone Kourtney, and Kris replies “He’s a fake uncle, everything about him is pretend” Girl, bye.

Marcia Clark

sarahpaulson

Sarah Paulson has to be my favourite character right now. Her performance is the best, which isn’t saying much because everyone else sucks. She’s obviously the only one with a brain at the DA’s office, seems like everyone else is so sure they’re going to win the case, and Marcia’s over there in her office smoking on a cig reminding everyone she’s a woman and she has insight like nobody else! Duh! But seriously, she puts in work and is totally shell shocked when she realizes O.J’s lawyers are going to make the case all about race. Slowly her evidence, like Nicole’s 911 call gets released to the media, making it inadmissible in court. Are you all still following? Is this intriguing at all? Are you currently googling – kris jenner power suit where to find?. If you are, I don’t blame you. Sarah Paulson delivers the final line of the episode, when she reads the morning paper that headlines Johnny Cochran joining O.J’s legal team. “Motherfucker” she blurts out right before putting out her cigarette.

Bob Shapiro

The biggest slime ball of all. He basically initiates the entire ‘race case’ theme by writing an article in The New Yorker.

O.J Simpson

Cuba Gooding Jr appeared towards the end of the episode, and delivered a pretty crazy performance of admitting his innocence to Johnny.

What did you think of the episode? Join the discussion or Tweet us your comments!

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